Out of My Control

I’m a control freak, a perfectionist, a micro manager. None of these terms are ones of endearment. None of these terms, perhaps except perfectionist, are terms I would use in a classic job interview humble-brag about my ‘worst qualities.’ These are my worst qualities. These are the pitfalls I face each and every day and these are the chronic sins I struggle with. 

I have struggled with them for years, through countless life stages and now, as we prepare to move to Papua New Guinea – feeling so clearly called and so clearly sure that this process is larger than us, that this process is not under our control nor was it initiated by our earthly wisdom – I continue to struggle. 

I continue to know in my head that God is in control but, with my actions and internal worries, I show a different belief. I show a belief that I know what’s best. That I know what the timeline should look like, what the preparation should look like, when decisions should be made and money should come in. I show a belief in myself that reflects a lack of faith in my Father and I’m tired. 

I’m tired because I wasn’t made to be in control. I wasn’t made to micro manage. I wasn’t made to be perfect. I was made imperfect and yet I was (and am) loved anyways. The One who is Righteous saved me because of His great mercy and He chose to be my friend. 

Ridiculous. Amazing. Undeserved.

I have been re-learning these truths. I have been re-learning what it is to be still before my God so that He can teach me these truths. I have been re-learning that God’s word is truly the only place that a control freak, perfectionist, micro-manager can go to be put in her place but, once in that place, to find peace. 

Peace that I don’t have to be perfect, know the exact timeline or know precisely how we will get there to experience God’s grace and mercy and witness His power and Sovereignty, all the while being showered with His love along the way. And why wouldn’t I want to experience that? Why wouldn’t I want to live in that truth and rest in it? 

This past Sunday we had the opportunity to share our hearts for PNG and a bit of our journey with our life group. With every opportunity to share, we feel like we have learned something. We feel like we have heard God speak and that we have been the students, not the teachers. 

In this particular case, we were sharing about our earlier journey – about the loss of our brothers and about the way that tragedy has shaped our journeys. We are reading a book called ‘To Be Told’ in our life group, by Dan Allender, and we have been encouraged and challenged to take a look at the ways that God has shaped our stories and, for us like many of you, our stories have not been void of tragedy.
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For those who don’t know me, in 2003, my only brother, Josh, passed away suddenly in a car accident at the age of 24. 12 days before Christmas, in the end of my third year of University, our entire world changed.

I can tell you with all of my heart that I wish my brother was still here. If this control freak could control anything, it would be that. I would ignore the reality that I believe he is in no pain, with no shame, no guilt and no worries in Heaven and I would bring him back so I could share life with him – an imperfect life but a life together. I would do that, or at least I would love to. 

I would micro manage my way into life with a sibling again and I wouldn’t be picking best but, it sounds nice. It sounds whole. It sounds like something I”ve longed for since the day he passed away. 

And this is a grief that Jon and I share, yet a grief that is so individual. I never had the privilege of meeting his brother, Kevin, as he did mine but I would have loved to. I would love to take away that pain for my husband, to see him have his brother back, to see his family be whole again but, once again there is the blinding reality that our brothers were not whole here.

​They were not without pain, guilt, shame and worry. They had their own pitfalls, their own sins and those sins plagued them and some even took them from us. They didn’t always show it but they struggled.

As we thought about these losses, we thought about how they have shaped us. 

We thought about the reasons why we teach in the schools and the classrooms that we teach. We thought about the reasons why we go downtown to hand out chilli on Saturdays. We thought about the reasons why we work with youth. We thought about the reasons why we are moving to Papua New Guinea to teach missionary kids at Ukarumpa International School even though it seems crazy to move there with our four young kids. We thought about how much of our passions, have been informed by our loss.

And, as I stood back to look at these pieces of my life, I realized that no part of me could have orchestrated or controlled the outcome to point so clearly to our current calling.

Dan Allender said ‘What moves me should be the passions that God has written into my story, even if I don’t fully understand what they are or why they exist.” He also said, “If we face our tragedies with an open heart, we will become tender toward ourselves and others. Tenderness gives us the freedom to speak yes to those who ache and who need the kind touch of our care. Tragedy prepares us to become who we are meant to be.” 

My brother was a brilliant individual, he was well-loved, well liked, talented, charismatic and so very fun to be around but he felt so much shame. He felt less than and he felt unworthy. He never said it out loud. He never spelled it out but it came out in various ways. In his deep desire for me to have the very best life, to make the very best choices but, in his inability to seek the same for himself.

​With his loss came a number of gifts but, primarily, the gift of compassion for those like him. Those who feel less-than, those who feel unworthy, those who the world may not see as having anything to offer. 

In all God’s wisdom, He, and not I – not the control freak, perfectionist, micro manager, HE set numerous ministries in front of Jon and I in the decade + since our brothers deaths that were perfectly suited for us because of these losses – because of the way these losses have shaped our character and, out of that, has come this calling. 

A calling to love and serve those who feel written off – by themselves or by others. A calling to speak to the thoughts of unworthiness that plague us all and threaten to keep us from accepting the deep, unwavering, unconditional love of Christ that can transform us.

Allender says “Our calling is to reveal God through the themes he has woven into our character….and the moment you say yes to a population, a place, a problem, and a process – you have been seized by your calling.” Our calling was being set into motion by God in numerous ways, BEYOND OUR CONTROL, long before our decision to move to Papua New Guinea and it will continue long after we return because we have been seized by it. We have been seized by the God who loves us and wants to partner with us.

​Even more ridiculous. More amazing. More undeserved.

And, as we shared on Sunday, another thing struck me. Why am I passionate about serving youth? Why am I passionate about relationships? Why I am passionate about calling out the good in those around me? And how can I continue to do this well? 

And the answer struck me as something I had not thought of before. I am passionate about our calling because I am not that different from my brother. Sure, I was the one who made the ‘right choices’ in high school. I was the one who steered clear of alcohol and drugs. I was the one who kept it simple and spent most Friday nights watching TGIF and eating ice cream sundaes with one or two close friends while everyone else was out partying. I was the one who micro managed and controlled to perfection but I was also the one crying in the bathroom when I scored below 98% on a test. I was the one obsessing over details. I was the one trying to do everything right because, beneath all of my actions was insecurity. 

Beneath my incessant need for control was and is someone who is still unsure of herself. Someone whose organization is often compensating for fear and anxiety and whose micro managing often exists where faith should. Someone who needs Christ just as much as my brother did. 

And so, recognizing this, how can I continue to live out this calling well? How can someone who is so broken serve anyone? 

Two words – saving grace. 

Titus 3:5 says ‘He saved us, NOT BECAUSE OF WORKS done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.” and 1 Peter 3:18 says ‘For Christ also suffered ONCE for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the Spirit.” 

Because of Christ, I – a controlling, micro managing perfectionist – can be a light to others only when I recognize and acknowledge daily that nothing I can do will allow me to earn the gift that God has given me in Christ. It is a gift freely given and the only gift that can make me whole. The only gift that can make anyone whole and a gift I want to help point young people towards so that they can learn this early. So that they can have such a firm foundation in Christ that enables them to, not be limited by their pitfalls, but to let God shape them in spite of and sometimes because of their struggles. 

Allender also said “As complex as all our lives seem to be, God’s plan is quite simple. He calls us to begin anywhere, and he will take us where he wants us to go – start with our strengths, and he will reveal and use our weaknesses.” 

So, I’m learning. I’m always going to be aware of my pitfalls. They will follow me around but I will continue to root myself in Christ so that He can take those weaknesses and use them. Use my attention to detail and perfectionist tendencies to accomplish His purposes and use my keen sense of weakness, my inability to hide how I”m feeling and my innate desire to be in deep relationship with others – relationship that requires a bearing of all of my crazy, less-attractive qualities with someone who will love me anyways – to further His kingdom. 

I will bring all of my mess to Christ daily and see where this calling takes me. 

I am blessed to be doing this in relationship. I am blessed by a husband who sees my crazy and loves me anyways. I am encouraged and held up by a family who demonstrates a willingness to be used by God, pitfalls and all, and I am propelled forward, so often, by men and women of God who we have been blessed to call friend that live life with us in all honesty – letting their pitfalls show so that I can see God’s power in their lives, be encouraged that His power is at work in my life and then go out and tell young men and women of God this glorious and life changing truth that can define their lives and make them whole.

Praise God who is my righteousness. In Him I am complete.

Almost 6 months ago, we had a donor offer to donate almost 300,000 airmiles to get our family as far as Australia for just the cost of the taxes. We were thrilled but quickly ran into some snags trying to acquire a tax receipt for our donor. We waited for months, waiting for written permission from Canada Revenue Agency and, all the while, we were feeling frustrated that this wonderful gift was being given but we couldn’t use it.

A few weeks ago, still with no word on a tax receipt, we received a text from our friend who had connected us with this donor telling us to go ahead and book the tickets – tax receipt or no tax receipt. As we went online to book our flights, we realized that our donor had the exact amount of required points for our family of 6, that there were flights that totalled up to that exact number (and this wasn’t the case a week prior), that there were flights out of Vancouver that weren’t available in December when we were looking initially and, that had we booked in December, we would have been arriving in country a month later than we were needed after our training dates were changed in February.

We got to see EVERY detail sorted out by God’s unique design, including generous and loving family friends who will host us in Brisbane before we move on to Papua New Guinea, and we now can say that our flights, as far as Australia, are booked and we leave on JULY 11th! 

If this was in our control and we had booked when we thought it was best to book we would have been arriving in Australia in the wrong month and we would have missed out on watching God work out all of the details.  

We have seen numerous answers to prayer over the past year as we have embarked on this journey and we are continuing to see prayer as a daily declaration that we are not in control and that knowing that God is in control is the best possible scenario. 

The joy in sacrificing control is in realizing that we never had control in the first place and, more importantly, that the One who IS in control has our ABSOLUTE best in mind. We want good and He wants best. So perhaps it’s not a sacrifice at all.

Bob Goff said it well in his book, “Love Does” – he said, “We’ve all given up something at one time or another. At first, it always feels like a huge sacrifice to give up what we’ve got. To Jesus, though, it’s no sacrifice at all. Think about it from His perspective. He comes from heaven, where He has an amazing love relationship with the Father, which, by its nature, is the most beautiful existence any person could have. And He offers that to anybody willing to let go of whatever is giving them a false sense of security. Why would anybody not make that trade?

Jesus is basically saying, “Look, none of the stuff you have is going to last, including you. You’ve only got about a dime’s worth of life now. Come and trade up, come follow Me, and you can know God.” In that sense, Jesus isn’t requesting a sacrifice at all. He’s asking us to play Bigger and Better, where we give up ourselves and end up with Him.

Actually, the real game of Bigger and Better that Jesus is playing with us usually isn’t about money or possessions or even our hopes. It’s about our pride. He asks if we’ll give up that thing we’re so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him.

He’s asking us, “Will you take what you think defines you, leave it behind, and let Me define who you are instead?” The cool thing about taking Jesus up on His offer is that whatever controls you doesn’t anymore.

When we get our security from Christ, we no longer have to look for it in the world, and that’s a pretty good trade.”