The past year has been one of revelations – of unearthed fears, of broken hearts, of exposed weakness.
A year of vulnerability and insufficiency that all too clearly shed a necessary light on His sufficiency. It has been uncomfortable, unsettling, unpleasant, but so very necessary.
And it’s not over.
But, do you know what I”m realizing? I’m realizing that, in the uncomfortable, the unpleasant and unsettling – right in the midst of it all is a God who will stop at nothing to pursue my heart.
In the midst of the difficulty, in the midst of life, it is so easy to silence the voice of our souls that has grown quiet and weary of calling out for rest – a rest He is so eager to give. It is easy to push the voice aside and just keep going, keep doing, keep trying, keep living.
To go without rest.
To go without help.
To go without satisfaction
And to believe, temporarily, that less than fulfillment is all to which we are entitled. To miss the shouts of a God who loves us and wants only complete satisfaction and rest for the souls of His beloved children.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Over the past year and a half, I have heard the shouts of an unstoppable God and I have been moved from a place of stifled, paralyzed living to a place of surrender. To a place where I am willing to walk through the uncomfortable, the unsettling and the unpleasant if the God of the universe is beside me, holding my hand and awakening my soul to His love.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
I have heard HIs shouts in moments of despair – In those moments, He shouts the truth of His power over sin, death, anxiety and every single thing that threatens to take hold of my life.
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
I have heard His shouts in moments of fear – In those moments, He shouts the truth of His love – a perfect love that casts aside fear and invites me to move forward with Him, in Him and unafraid.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
I have heard His shouts in moments of shame – In those moments, He shouts the truth of His redemption and mercy. Mercies that are new every morning for me – an imperfect child of a perfect Father – a child upon whom His imputed righteousness is bestowed lavishly and without condition.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
I have heard His shouts in moments of condemnation – In those moments, He shouts the truth of His passionate and merciful removal of my sin, as far as the East is from the West.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever, 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:8-12
His shouts have been audible. The struggles have been palpable. My soul has been moved and, as I have walked through this year, I have heard the shouts and seen the sign posts of a God who will never give up on me.
His shouts cuts through the despair, fear, shame and condemnation and the signposts speak of His love in ways that are far too loud and beautiful to miss.
Charles Spurgeon, in one of his sermons, implores us to ’soar back on thine own experience.’ To test our understanding of God amidst the backdrop of our life experience and, in the exploration, to find the truth of His character, the proof of His faithfulness and the signposts of His love, even as they so often sit on the edges of the most difficult parts of the road of our lives. In the looking, Spurgeon suggests that we will find Him and the undeniable proof of His unending love for our hearts.
“And when thou has soared backward into the past eternity, I have yet another flight for thee. Soar back through all thine own experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how he hath fed and clothed thee every day – how he hath borne with thine ill manners – how he hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt – how he has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how his grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles – how his blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins – how his rod and his staff have comforted thee.
And when thou hast flown over this sweet field of love, thou mayest fly further on, and remember that the oath, the covenant, the blood, have something more in them than the past. For though ‘he first loved us,’ yet this doth not mean that he shall ever cease to, love, for he Is Alpha and he shall be Omega, he is first and he shall be last; and therefore bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou neediest fear no evil, for he is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou neediest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from his love; and when thou shall come into the mysteries of eternity thou neediest not tremble, for “I am persuaded that neither principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’
Charles Spurgeon
And, once we have soared backward, Spurgeon asks,
“And now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Him? Doth not a flight over those illimitable plains of the ether of love, inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Here is the food of love. ‘We love Him because He first loved us, and because in that first love there is a pledge and promise that He will love us even to the end.’
We can start with His unfailing love, understand it, embrace it, drink it in, let it soak into our souls and then traverse the struggles – the ups and downs of life – in the assurance that He has, not only started to love us, but that He has promised to continue until the end and it is a covenant without condition.
Shouts. Signposts. Savior.
Surrender. Serenity. Sweet rest.
So, why share this now? Why reflect now? Why soar backward at this moment in time on this season of life to remember the shouts and see the signposts of a Savior who seeks my heart? Why think back on the uncomfortable, unsettling and unpleasant? I guess the answer can be found in my current situation.
You see, as I navigated this past year, as I wrestled through seasons of despair, fear, shame and condemnation, I struggled to be there fully and consistently for my kids. I was soul deep in a transformative refining process and, all the while, my kids were facing transitions of their own. I tried to be there. I prayed for them. I talked to them. I listened to them but, oh there were times (and still are times) when I was distracted, distant and unable to navigate the needs of four additional hearts while my own heart was experiencing such drastic reconstruction.
And, in that place, the feelings of despair, fear, shame and condemnation only grew stronger.
The weightiness of the responsibility I held to love, disciple, mentor and teach my children amplifying my pre-existing feelings of inadequacy. Their little faces, hearts and voices responding to my imperfect actions – acting as mirrors to unkindly and unapologetically reflect back to me my greatest weaknesses and most deeply rooted insecurities.
The weight of decisions I had made over the years, heavy on my heart.
Pushing. Condemning, Paralyzing.
A mind racing. A heart reflecting. An enemy condemning. Telling me that my decisions, my actions, my choices, my weaknesses and imperfections have hurt those I love in an irreparable way.
Judgement. Condemnation. Fear.
Failure.
Unloved. Unlovable. Unworthy.
Years of decisions and a constant stream of condemnation forming from a cascade of consequences that fell down like dominoes affecting the ones I love most and confirming what I feared most.
I have failed.
But, in the midst of the enemies taunts, there is one who is LOUDER. There is one who shouts truth and sets signposts in the most desperate places of our lives to cut through the lies of the one who wants nothing more than to blind us with despair, fear, shame and condemnation and make us unable to experience the overwhelmingly good and unearnable love of God.
So where was He? If this God who loves me, cares so much, where was He in this season? Why would He let me face this despair? Why let me sink into fear? Why keep me from being fully present for my kids? Why?
You see, what I have realized in the past 6 months is that, even as I wrestled with my own season of restoration, my kids were facing their own uncomfortable, unsettling and unpleasant situations and, while I would have loved to have saved them from any and every hurt – in the midst of it all, God was, and is, pursuing them through the beautiful and the difficult.
Without despair, they may not have known their need for hope.
Without fear, they may not have known His peace.
Without shame, they may not have known their need for the One who can take it away.
Without condemnation, they may not have known the reality of a battle that is being waged for their hearts. A battle that they now know God is fighting with them and for them.
While my imperfections, in this season, may have been causing them pain and hurt, the relentless lover of our hearts was preparing sign posts in their lives that pointed past my imperfections to his amazingly perfect love.
If my actions unintentionally ever made them feel unloved or uncertain, He was waiting with shouts of unconditional love and a covenant promise to never stop loving their imperfect hearts. The spaces of hurt created by the reality of my sin were filled with the shouts of a Savior who said to them, ‘I chose you.’ ‘You are mine.’
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Isaiah 43:1-3
You see, what I know, in hindsight, of God’s faithfulness, His showing up, His security and His steadfastness – they are just learning, by experience, even sometimes in the spaces created by my own sin.
They are on a journey of discovering who God is and, like me, their restorative processes begin in places of brokenness and, while this can be painful to watch as a parent (especially when you feel responsible) it is all together beautiful because the One who restores is pursuing all of our hearts from a place of unstoppable love.
An unstoppable love. A pursuant love.
A love that says,
‘You are chosen”
“You are mine.”
“For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Jesus Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened,” He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love.”
Brennan Manning
Oh, that we would believe this. Oh that we would trust His words. Oh that we would live as though He loves us as much as He says He does.
Oh that we would leave our orphan hearts behind and claim our adoption as Sons and Daughters of Christ.
Oh that we would claim our place as the dearly loved children of a Father who will shout His love at us through every situation of our lives. Oh that we would see His signposts, hear His voice and let Him awaken our souls to the truth of our worth – a worth that is secure in Him now and always, without condition – free from condemnation. FREE.
Oh that we would let the reality of His life-giving track record, rather than the condemning weight of our own, determine the state of our souls.
Oh that, in my imperfect state, I would hold fast to the food of His love. That I would continue to soar backward and share the truth of His unearned faithfulness and reliable love with my kids as they soar forward, learning so much of His character and love for themselves for the very first time.
Oh that I would take their hands, knowing I do not carry the full weight of responsibility for their souls but that the One who does is walking beside us all, clothing us in righteousness.
Oh that, together, we would walk past the signposts, hear the shouts and let Him silence our individual despair, fear, shame and condemnation as He reminds us that we bear His signature by no merit of our own.
No uncomfortable, unsettling or unpleasant situation can cause Him to walk out on us or break HIs covenant of love.
We are imperfect. He is righteous.
We are sinful. He is forgiving.
We are wayward. He is faithful.
He is relentless. He is consistent. He is pursuing.
He may not limit the uncomfortable.
He may not spare us from the unsettling.
He may not remove the unpleasant.
But He will show up. He will fight. He will pursue. He will reach out, remind, restore and renew regardless of our inability to earn this incredible kind of reckless love.
Love Him or hate Him. Embrace Him or ignore Him. He’s not going anywhere.
In our despair, this is hope-giving.
In our fear, this is peace-giving.
In our shame, this is life-giving.
In our condemnation, this is freedom from chains.
5 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1
So, why not rejoice at this season? Why not celebrate the ability of the uncomfortable, unsettling and unpleasant to shed light on the all sufficiency of an incredibly perfect, incredibly patient God of pursuit. A God who chooses me. A God who chooses my kids and a God whose covenant of love is heard in the shouts and painted all over the signposts of our lives.
Why not acknowledge the sin, alongside the security of salvation provided by the sacrifice of our Savior and set forth on a new path, lined by the truth of the Gospel of grace. Why not use the seasons of weakness in my life, whether in real-time or in hindsight, to discuss, with my kids, the magnitude of the Gospel.
Why not come to Jesus with my despair, my fear, my shame and condemnation and exchange them, daily, for freedom while inviting my kids to do the same.
Why not surrender to the, oftentimes, undisclosed plans of a loving Father to redeem everything in my life, including and especially weakness.
Why not continue to soar backward in the midst of the struggles of life and, in doing so, to train my soul to know, without a doubt that I am chosen and to trust, without condition, that I am His.
Shouts. Signposts. Surrender.
Rest.
Freedom.
May this be my reality and the reality for my kids and may we spend our lives humbly aware of the reality of our humanness while being remarkably exalted by His unwavering choice to choose and love us forever.
How sweet it is to be chosen, redeemed, pursued, restored and loved – even to the end.
“The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. He knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace.”
Brennan Manning
HOW TO BE YOURS
Chris Renzema
You say that You love me, don’t say that You love me
Cause I don’t know how to be Yours
You say that You want me, don’t say that You want me
Cause I don’t know how to be Yours
I still act like an orphan I guess
My hard heart breaks to confess
That even while You hold me
As I cry on the floor
I still don’t know how to be Yours
You say that You love me, don’t say that You love me
Cause I don’t know how to be Yours
You say that You want me, don’t say that You want me
Cause I don’t know how to be Yours
I still act like an orphan I guess
My hard heart breaks to confess
That even while You hold me
As I cry on the floor
I still don’t know how to be Yours
So love Me or hate Me
I’m not going anywhere
Leave Me or take Me
You still bare My signature
Know Me or not
Seen or forgot
I’m not walking out on you
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