Lately, however, I have been asking myself ‘Whose plan am I focusing on?’ Where is my linear life going and why does it feel so incredibly frustrating when life diverts off this trajectory. Today was a diversion day. Today was a day of tears, of goodbyes, of kid pick-up mixups, of missed dentist appointments with no reasonable potential for a reschedule in the next 2 years and of good, old fashioned, unplanned nonsense.
It started so beautifully. It started with a dear friend, with God’s word and with inspiration. It started with sweet words laid on our hearts by the Holy Spirit and then it seemed to finish with a practicum – an actual opportunity to try out what God was revealing through His word. To actually see if this linear thinking perfectionist could find some freedom amidst the chaos.
You see, we were studying Philippians this morning. Philippians 3:12-14.
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
A chapter that is so familiar to me and verses that have been my mantra through all 5 of my University years. Verses that I would write on the top left corner of all of my University midterms and exams (and there were a lot of them thanks to my choice of Major). Verses that have always held my attention and captivated me.
As I re-read these verses this morning, I tried to read them with a new lens. I tried to look at them and ask God to reveal something new for this season of my life. I tried to remain open to arriving at a better understanding of why these verses have always captured my attention and have always felt so weighty, so important, so crucial.
And, as I read them, I was struck by one phrase. “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” Take hold of what? Take hold of whom?
These verses are a perfectionists dream. “I haven’t already obtained all this.” “I haven’t arrived at my goal.” I have loved that part of these verses for years. I have found hope in these words and comfort in knowing that it’s ok to be striving. That it’s normal to feel like you haven’t yet arrived. But, even with that hope, I saw something this morning that I hadn’t seen before. What are we holding on to? What am I made to take hold of? For what did Christ Jesus take hold of me?
Did He take hold of me just so that I could hold tightly to timelines? Did He take hold of me so that I could hold firmly to my plans? Did He take hold of me so that I could achieve something in particular and arrive at some goal?
Or did He take hold of me for a different reason? Did He take hold of me, perhaps, so that I would take hold of Him and is it possible that He will never let go, no matter what diversions come my way?
You see, we have been on a journey and while, to others, it may seem like we have diverted completely from our original path and plan by heading to Papua New Guinea, I have still treated it, at times, like my timeline, like my path – straight and direct.
I have, at times, tried to push all of God’s wonder, all of God’s ability and all of God’s incomprehensible Sovereign plans into a perfect, clear and straight line path that I can follow, micromanage and troubleshoot on my own. I have pushed forward, pushed ahead and I have learned along the way but so very reluctantly at times.
I have learned from distractions. I have learned from diversions and I have treated them as such. I have treated them as frustrations, as unplanned, as altogether nonsensical and annoying and I am thinking I have missed the point.
I am thinking I have missed the point because I think that, from what I read in Philippians, the point is just God. Knowing Him, seeking Him and taking hold of Him. He can do anything. He’s the God of the Universe and our lives didn’t divert towards Papua New Guinea because of us. They changed because He took hold of us and we did likewise.
But, somewhere along the way, I started to feel like I was walking on my path and, as I did, I lost sight of what God was teaching me on the periphery. To the left and the right of my straight line path has been lesson upon lesson from my loving Father. Numerous opportunities to take hold of Him. Numerous opportunities to grow in my faith. Numerous opportunities to live fully in the capacity for which I was created – relationship with Christ.
And I’ve missed those opportunities, at times, due to a lack of awareness and an unintentional shift in perspective. I have been looking at the periphery as the distraction when, in fact, the good stuff, the really good stuff is happening in the periphery.
God can do anything. He has always had a plan for my life. Diversions and nonsense that comes along doesn’t change that, doesn’t erase that, doesn’t threaten that. God isn’t surprised by or frustrated by the unwanted circumstances of my life. God just wants me. He wants to take hold of me and He desperately wants me to just rest in His arms as He leads and guides me on His path, no matter how messy.
And, once you get past the lack of control, that is freeing. That is a tiny piece of the mystery and wonder of Philippians 3:12-14 that I have felt for all these years – the urgency and intensity with which God seeks to be in relationship with me. To have the God of the Universe love me to the point where He will pull me off of my path daily through what, my human mind perceives as diversions and distractions so that I can finally see Him standing beside me, loving me, supporting me and teaching me, is what frees me. He holds me and it is not binding or constricting but it is complete and utter freedom. It is contentment and it was what I was made for.
So, I am praying that God can change my perspective daily. I am praying that He can take my linear thinking self and help me shift my gaze ever so slightly from my straight, narrow and all-consuming neat and tidy path of my life to His beautiful, messy periphery where the real wonder, the real learning and the real living happens.
Life has always been messy and it’s about to get messier as we head across the world in 12 days but it is my current understanding that this day of inspiration followed by desperation had a purpose in alerting me to the beauty of this mess and so I’m thankful. I’m thankful for the sweet fellowship this morning, for the messes of the day that solidified the learning and for the sweet fellowship that ended the day. I’m thankful that my straight line path wasn’t the plan for today and that God’s ok with that because His plans are better. I’m thankful that I don’t have to know how it’s all going to end. I just have to want to know Him and He will always make that possible no matter what. That is His path, that is His plan and that is perfect.
So, may I keep striving, but not towards my goals, my achievements and my plans. May I keep striving in relationship and most specifically my relationship with Christ and may that relationship be the one thing that brings me freedom. May that relationship be the one thing that fuels all my other relationships and may that relationship take a day of tears, goodbyes, misses, mix-ups and nonsense and turn it into a classroom for learning about Christ’s abundant, never ceasing, all consuming love that gives me the most incredible freedom I can ever know and, as I hold on to Him, may I press on.
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
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